FAQs

Entering the Christmas Spirit a little, David Dorn answers a dozen frequently asked questions that people have posed to him after a few drinks...

It's like being a doctor, you know. Being an IT journalist, that is. It doesn't matter where you go, somebody always corners you and the opening line is always 'D'you mind if I pick your brains for a minute?'.

So, here's a list of my most frequently asked questions - but do bear in mind that the questioners might not always be, erm, fit to drive when they've asked them... and also that my answers might not always be entirely sensible!

Q1 - Which is better, a Mac or a PC?

I've always preferred a Mac, myself - I can't stand fillet'o'fish, and the chicken burger thing is fine if you fancy a tasteless slab covered in mayo. PCs get stuck between my teeth.

Q2 - Should I get a 24x burner, or will a 4x burner be OK?

Crikey - how many pans do you cook with? We've got four burners on our stove, but then there's only the two of us in the house these days. How many kids have you? Mebbe the 24x is the one for you

Q3 - Do I need more RAM?

I dunno. How many ewes have you got? Can you current RAM cope? Is it becoming tired? Could it do with some help? You're not Welsh, are you?

Q4 - Why won't my machine hibernate?

Ah! You've probably built the nesting box in the wrong place, and it's too warm. It's a well-known fact that it has to be cold for hibernation to take place effectively. Try taking some of the straw out, and opening a window.

Q5 - Why won't my machine wake up from hibernation?

It's quite probably dead from hypothermia. That happened to us one time - our pet tortoise just basically froze. Some idiot had told us to take out some of the straw and leave a window open.

Q6 - Can I make videos on my PC?

Yes, of course you can. Mind you, I reckon it would be uncomfortable, and there wouldn't be much room for the car chase sequences. I mean, a PC is only a couple of feet square. Wouldn't you be better using proper locations?

Q7 - Can I get viruses by email

Indeed you can. There are addresses you can use that will send you all sorts of test tubes with strange and weird diseases in them. In the current climate, though, I wouldn't bother - you're likely to have a few men in black suits visiting you shortly after the postie has been.

Q8 - Should I buy a Pentium 4 processor?

Interesting question. Where will you put it? They look very effective on the top of the telly, best with their heat sinks attached, I feel. In the right place, and with the right background, you could maybe sell it on for £150,000 like that woman did with her unmade bed.

Q9 - What's SPAM?

It's pork luncheon meat, to give it its correct name. Basically, it's the bits of a pig that you really wouldn't want to meet on a dark night mixed in with some bits of plants and poured into a tin, where it congeals into a reasonably solid, sliceable cuboid - or sometimes a filled cylinder. You can make fritters out of it, you know.

Q10 - How do I prevent SPAM

That's the question schoolboys have been asking since time immemorial. Nobody has yet found an answer, even with the help of the most friendly school cooks in the world. At one time, we thought that the Monty Python team might have got it all sorted out, but, sadly, it was not to be. Still, it could be worse. Have you tasted Jellied Eels?

Q11 - My new PC has got AOL on it. Should I use it?

Yes.

Q12 - Which speakers are best, in your opinion?

I'm very fond of Billy Connolly - he always makes me laugh, and when we saw him at the Sportsman's Dinner two years ago, he was excellent. Frank Carson is good, too - especially when it's all boys together. I've heard good things about Bob Monkhouse and Jim Davidson, as well, but it's a hard one to call. Let me know which one you decide to book for your do - I may buy tickets.

And finally....

Q13 - It's my back - just here at the bottom of my spine...

Wrong bloke - it's my brother that's the doctor - he's over there chatting that tall blonde up. Tell him I sent you over, and ask him about his back stretching invention. It worked wonders for that bloke that played Lurch in the Addams Family.

 

David Dorn